Your Cup Runneth Over

WHY SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE IT ALL

How many times have you met people who seem to have "it all" and yet, all they do is complain about how bad they have it? Then there are others who in spite of having to cope with unusually difficult challenges see themselves as fortunate and even blessed. I think this goes further than simply letting a smile be your umbrella. Rather it's the deeper perspective they hold for themselves and the world around them that colors every event and interaction of their daily lives. For those who see the glass as half-full, the voice is a friendly one. However, wouldn't it be great if those who live in a world of half-empty glasses could change their perspective to bring more joy and satisfaction to their lives?

HEARING THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD

All of us have constant and highly dictatorial voices in our heads that we are so used to hearing that we believe them to be real and wise. This voice is very much in control of many of your actions, much of what you think, what you will and won't say. The inner voice constantly frets about the future... it chatters away about its worries concerning life, people and how things will go. And it seems to us that the voice is just being smart by warning of danger and by being protective from all of the bad people and events in the world or is being smartly speculative... we think it's completely rational, understanding, even brilliant, especially in a world filled with terrorism, natural disasters and economic uncertainty.

WHAT YOU SAY IS WHAT YOU GET

The problem is that the explanations that our inner voices provide about events in the past and predictions for the future leave us stuck with low expectations and a sense of resignation. This voice's confident assessment of future reality may thus lead you to lock yourself into patterns of behaviors in small ways and large ones. For example, you might refuse to go out to dinner with your spouse because "we always argue when we go out to dinner" or "we never have anything to talk about so it's not fun." Another possibility is that you may live with chronic, low-level melancholia because your life never seems to work out the way you would like.

Your voice is really telling you the story of your life -- the reason it is the way it is, why you are the way you are, and who you can blame. Listen carefully, to hear how it drones on in a constant state of sameness and how its themes become the themes of your life. By listening to and following the guidelines of these inner voices, people get exactly what they expect from their lives -- dissatisfaction. But no one really wants to be unhappy in life, we'd all prefer to be happy and fulfilled.

THOUGHTS CAN BE CHANGED

The good news is thoughts can be changed. They can be denied, laughed at and even eliminated -- and you can bring your inner voice in line to harmonize with what you want for your life. You must learn to understand what it is saying and how that affects what you do... what you believe... and who you are.

The point is you are not your inner voice. You are a person who actually has a choice whether or not to listen to your inner voice. Your voice may tell you "you'll never do that"... or "you can't succeed"... when you're considering a new job. Or, it may make excuses that sound more like "I don't have time," "I can't take a class that's so far away" or "my spouse would never let me spend money on that." Beneath those excuses, however, is the real message: "I'm scared to ask for what I want and go for it." The voice may seem like it is keeping you safe, helping you avoid rejection or keeping you from getting hurt... but it is really just holding you back.

With such discouragement coming at you all day, is it any wonder you can't muster a productive attitude and therefore end up perceiving your life as lacking? Be aware that wherever in your life you lack satisfaction, the voice is probably running rampant. Its many versions keep you the innocent victim with a no-fault policy. This, however, is exactly what stops you from believing in yourself. Regardless of how much you have, there is always what you still want. If you're not moving toward getting there, you may well be listening to your own drama or resignation that explains why you can't.

CHANGING THE MESSAGE

And so the first step in revising the messages is to discover exactly what they contain. Here's how to do that: For a week or two or maybe even a month, keep a "thought log" detailing the comments you make in your head. This teaches you to hear how your voice talks to you -- about you, about others, about your body and the events of your day. Get to know this voice and really hear the dialogue that plays endlessly in your head. List the excuses ("no time" or "no money," for instance). The point is to become so present to your themes that at last you can see where you have been dwelling. What you discover doesn't have to make sense initially, but if you approach this exercise with humor you can enjoy discovering your hidden influences. This practice begins to separate you from your inner voice.

The next step is to identify your themes. Give them nicknames -- are you a sourpuss, always looking to the bleak side? A know-it-all martyr, endlessly doing for others and never for yourself? Perhaps you are a mean saint or a better-than-everyone-else Goodie Two Shoes. Probably your voice has several themes and this is your opportunity to discover them all.

A NEW VOICE

The most challenging task follows -- putting into practice the commitment to changing your thoughts. Having exposed them and interpreted their themes and messages, the odds are that you've realized these are not the themes you want to be living with. By taking charge of your thoughts you can take charge of your life.

Make rules that help you accomplish this. For instance, you might make a rule that you don't allow yourself to make snide remarks to yourself about people you see on the street. Another one: Your internal voice is not allowed to tell you that life is short-changing you... and it is never, ever to announce negative conclusions about anything you are facing. To be effective, these rules demand vigilance, diligence and discipline -- otherwise your life will slip back to being what it was.

LEARNING TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF IS A MAJOR STEP

No doubt you will find that much of what your voice says concerns others in your life, since your inner voice is practiced at coming to conclusions about what others think, including about you. Your inner voice is really a lot like a bad journalist -- reporting what it decides is true without bothering to check the facts. Challenge yourself to do the research by asking the other person or people for their input about what troubles you. It calls for personal courage, but it can be done with honor and respect. When you "hear" such a fear or concern three times, ask questions. Start by saying something like, I'm saying this stuff to myself and I think you could clarify it for me... since it is about you and I want to know if I am nuts or not.

When walking down the street, remind yourself to love people, not pick on them. Assigns light consequences to yourself if you starts to fret, replacing worries with positive thoughts. "This is the most important work you can do. "It's like building the muscle of the mind. If your thoughts run you and you don't manage them it is a bit like allowing your child to watch television all the time. We know how that turns out -- inconsistent and most likely unhealthy."

Once you introduce yourself to the storyteller inside your head, you can start working at last on the life and relationships your true self has long hoped to have. With effort, your cup may indeed begin to run over.